Crawl
by Winchester26
Summary: Not only did Lily lose Dean at midnight- she lost Sam as well. She does her best to care for their young son but its a tough job on the road alone. When Dean returns from the dead, the hope that their life will be pieced back together returns as well. But can things ever be the same?
1. Chapter 1

"Ssshhh…it's okay….daddy will be back soon…._he better be."_

Lily watched the door, feeling her stomach churn what was left of her dinner the night before. And there was no way she could eat again, not yet. Sam, Dean, and Bobby had gone to fight Lilith, in the last attempt to save Dean from his damnation. She looked the clock, her leg bouncing up and down. One hour.

"Johnny…sleep…go to sleep…please…."

She begged her one year old son, who sat in her lap, crying. Lily kissed the top of his head. She did not know why he was crying, or why he could not sleep. It could have been Dean and Sam's absence…or because she was pretty sure that he was getting sick. Her cell phone sat on the bed next to her. It was one of four lines of focus: The door, the phone, the clock and her son. As the minutes drew on by she seemed to feel each and every tick of the clock in the depths of her soul. The more that passed without a phone call or the return of the boys…the more hope that faded away. They could not lose Dean. She was not sure Sam could handle it. Finally she stood to lay her son at the head of the bed. He had stopped crying and she knew it was moments before he'd finally fall asleep. She kissed his forehead for a long moment. She did not want this night to be the one she tell her son about years from now…the day he lost his father…

Once he was calm she grabbed her phone and paced the room, looking out the window, back at the clock, and always at the door.

Lily was so wrapped up in her head about what could happen, about what could be happening, she did not realize that her face was stained with tears that had fallen in silence. She wiped them away and stared at the clock, a burning in her chest: when she stopped breathing. Midnight.

To get to 12:01 she felt like she was drowning…and the feeling did not lighten for 12:02, :03, :04…it only got _heavier._

Finding most of her body numb, Lily took a seat on the edge of the bed again, hoping for a scrap…of anything.

The hours that seemed like weeks, finally came to a head when the door opened. Lily immediately stood erect, watching Bobby enter the room. His walk told her anything.

"Bobby?" she began. She found that her throat was suddenly dry, and that she could not talk above her heart that caught in her chest. She wanted to hear that everything was okay.

Bobby paused. He looked at her with a pain expression. She had known Bobby for just over two years now…She had never seen that look on his face.

Or anyone else's for that matter.

"He didn't make it," Bobby spoke. Although the effort it took him to speak was apparent in his voice. Bobby was one tough guy, but his eyes glistened as he fought to keep control of himself with every dose of energy he had.

Lily nodded. They knew it had been a possibility for one year…that Dean would leave them. But nothing can prepare you for it. "Where's Sam?" Lily choked on her own words.

Bobby slowly took a seat on one of the motel room chairs, "We…we just buried him. I couldn't get Sam to leave," he explained.

Lily looked at Bobby, then to her son as she felt the tears that she had suppressed came flowing out. She knew no one could help Sam through this moment…not yet. She and Bobby would just have to wait for him to come to them.

6am

Lily was laid on the bed, her son merely inches from her. She stared at Dean's green army duffle, and the clothes strewn out on the bed. She did not have the heart to move them. She felt as though her thoughts were swimming wildly around her mind…but at the same time she felt void.

That's when the door handle turned and Sam entered the room. She sat up slowly and caught his eye. It looked as though someone had ripped his heart clean from his chest. His eyes were red, and dark circles had formed beneath his eyes. He shuffled forward to Dean's bed, still silent. He began to pick up the disheveled clothing and shove it into the duffle with force. Once he'd done that he threw it on the table. Bobby and Lily watched him meticulously. He then headed to the counter and grabbed one of the beers that sat warm and waiting. He popped the top off and drank the entire bottle in a minute's time. He slammed the empty Heineken onto the counter and turned around, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

Finally, Lily spoke, "Sam…" she began, making sure her voice was steady and the tears had stopped. She had never been afraid of Sam, or what Sam might do, until this moment. She got off the bed and closed most of the distance between them. "We'll fix this…" she said. She had no idea how, or when…but she'd make it her mission to make sure that Sam was okay again…even if that meant dragging Dean out of hell with her bare hands.

[Part Two: One Month Later Coming Soon]


	2. One Month Later

The whirring washing machines filled the Laundromat with a steady background noise. Lily held Johnny in one arm and pressed her cell phone to her ear with the other when she waited for an open machine.

"We're just outside Chicago," she informed Bobby Singer who was on the other end. Sam had not been the social butterfly since Dean's death the month before. Lily had to call Bobby in secret to let him know. "Look, Bobby, I have to go. A machine opened up," she said.

"Take care, kid," Bobby said in a melancholy tone and their conversation was terminated.

Johnny was being fussy, but she set him down with one of his fire trucks near the machine that had opened up. She grabbed the bag of laundry and began to throw it in. It was a mix of all three of their items. Although Sam's seem to stick out more than theirs. And it was not because of the size…it was the smell of alcohol that they reeked of. Frowning, she filled the machine and hit it on. Sam was busy drinking and trying to find a way to save Dean. She did the best she could to prevent his alcohol consumption…and sometimes she was successful…and the others not so much.

She did not realize how much time as passed. Suddenly she was waiting for the drier to finish…time seemed to fly when you were contemplating how much your life was spinning out of control. She had been pulled out of her thoughts by Johnny's descent into tears. "Oh, baby what's wrong?" she picked him up and bounced him in her arms, "Are you hungry?" she dug into her bag and grabbed the box of animal crackers. But he rejected them and became even fussier. People in the Laundromat began to stare. So she packed up their stuff and headed outside. "Come on, baby," she tried to keep a hold of him. As she attempted to readjust him in her arms, his shirt lifted and revealed a red rash on his chest. "Oh, baby what is that?" she breathed, running her finger across that. Now she knew, with a mother's instinct, that something was really wrong.

She pulled her phone back out and dialed Sam.

_Ring. Ring. Ring. _'This is Sam, leave a message.' _Beep._

"Sam, it's me," she breathed, "You need to come get us…I think Johnny needs to go to the hospital…something's wrong…call me." She hung up. She only gave Sam five minutes to return her call….and when he didn't she called 911. She did not know how long she could wait.

An ambulance picked them up and took them to the nearest hospital. They ran tests and it took Lily a lot of energy to stay strong. Finally, as she sat with her son on a bed covered in tissue paper, the doctor entered the room. And she did not look like the look on his face. "What is it?" she asked.

The doctor sighed. He began to tell her something in a medical language that she did not speak. Frustrated, tired, and scared out of her mind she demanded, "What does that mean?!"

Not offended by her exclamation, the doctor rephrased, "He needs a heart bypass surgery." He said, "And soon," he continued, "And I'm willing to do it…however this decision is yours. We can put him on some medication…but…his need for the surgery is inevitable."

Lily's eyes brimmed with glistening tears and nodded, "I understand." She said. She subconsciously brought Johnny closer to her, "How soon?"

"As soon as today," she said. He assumed that she was a younger single mother that did not have the money, and was treating her as such…which was not far from the truth.

Lily nodded, "Let's do it."

-

They prepped for surgery and the time seemed to move too fast before they took little Johnny away into the surgery room. Lily pulled out her phone again, and dialed Sam…again.

'This is Sam. Leave a message.' Beep.

"Sam…it's me again. We're at the hospital…and…and," Lily's voice broke and she slid down the wall in tears, "Johnny's in surgery…something is really wrong…please…call me. I can't do this alone," she cried before she hung up the phone and began to cry into her knees.

The surgery would be a few hours and once Lily calmed down she headed to the cafeteria. She got a cup of coffee, her hands shaking wildly. When she took a seat at a table, she pulled out her phone and called Bobby. She told him what was going on, and see if he could get a hold of Sam.

Bobby was being a better father from his place than Sam was to his own child.

After five cups of coffee, a few more tears, and a walk around the hospital, the surgery was done. And finally, Lily was allowed into the room where her sleeping child lay. "Thank-you," she told the doctor. Then she was left alone. "Johnny, please don't do that to mommy again," she stroked his hair. When she looked at the window of the room, when she saw movement out of the corner of her eye, she saw Sam standing on the other side of the glass. She did not know whether to smile or ignore him. She kissed the top of her son's head and headed out of the room to Sam.

"Where were you?" Lily asked, looking up at Sam. She could tell he'd had a drink or two, but he was completely coherent.

"I'm sorry," he breathed, "Lily…I'm so sorry…is he okay?"

"He's fine," Lily replied, "Sam…" she crossed her arms over her chest, "We could have lost our son…and you were completely MIA," her jaw clenched.

Sam nodded, "I know…" She could tell that he felt guilt and remorse.

Good.

"I know what you're going through is nearly unfathomable…but you seem to forget I lost my entire family in one foul swoop. You forget that I'm still here. I'm still here for you Sam. And most of all…he's still here…and he needs his father," she kept her tears back.

"I know," Sam nodded. He looked at the ground and then back to her, "I think I've found a way to save Dean," he said.

"How?" Lily asked in near disbelief.

"Ruby," Sam replied. That's where he had been when he was unreachable. Ruby saved his life…and they had a plan.


	3. What'll it be, Sam?

The Impala was the only one making noise on the ride back to the motel that Lily, mainly, had been staying. Sam was mostly a no-show, as demonstrated before.

Little Johnny was in the back seat, buckled up in his car seat asleep. Gosh, had it killed Dean to put in a car seat. But he did it; he'd loved the little boy like crazy.

Lily eyed the empty beer bottles at her feet. Kicking them away, she sighed and looked out the window. Finally, the Impala slowed to a stop outside the room and both adults got out of the car and Lily grabbed her son from it. Still, no words had been shared between them. Lily wasn't sure what to say to Sam- or how to phrase what she'd been feeling.

Ruby had "died" just like Dean had (only in her own demon way) but she was back. She had a feeling that it wasn't for the right reasons. If it was, she would bet Dean could be back too. When they got into the room, Lily laid her son on the bed and sighed, knowing she had to speak some time or another, "And what does…Ruby…suggest we do?" she uttered the demon's name with difficulty.

Sam's eyes fell to her, "She said she could help. That she knew a way….and I told her I'd use her help, as long as she was in the body of someone that wasn't going to live, so she wouldn't take someone's life away," he said, attempting to make it sound like he'd made a good decision.

"But she didn't tell you her plan, or why she bothered to come back and help you?" Lily asked. Sam seemed upset at her questions and mistrust of Ruby.

"No, I didn't. We didn't have a lot of time. I'm supposed to meet her soon," he said like she should have known.

"I can't get a hold of you when our son is in the hospital but you'll drop everything and meet this demon when she says she can 'help'?!" Lily asked, getting angrier and angrier.

Sam remained silent. He knew she was right, but he didn't appreciate her feelings towards Ruby. "I finally find someone," Sam began after a long moment of silence, "That can possibly pull Dean out of hell, and you don't want a thing to do with her!" he flipped the accusations onto her.

Lily looked like he'd just slapped her in the face, "Don't you think I'd do anything to get Dean out of hell?" her voice wavered, "but we can't trust Ruby. Who knows what her motives are, Sam…if she's telling the truth…"

"That's what I want to find out," Sam retorted.

"Then you can do it without me," Lily replied. She was done. Something had been struck in her. She felt like her heart was breaking in two, but she wiped her tears away furiously and turned to her bag. She began to shove her and Johnny's things into it.

"I wasn't going to bring you with me," he replied. Part of her knew he meant that he wasn't going to put her in danger…but she wasn't sure if that was all of it.

Lily spun around, "I'm not going to put my son in danger…anywhere near this demon, because his father can't face up to the fact that sometimes there's just nothing you can do." She turned around once more. She found her coat and put it on, "I hope she's everything you need," she hissed. She threw her bag over her shoulder, grabbed Johnny and headed for the door.

"Lily," he started, and she stopped before the door. She looked at him and shrugged her shoulders. Helplessly she stated, "It's her or us, Sam," she said. Her stomach churned- she knew what the answer was.

And it broke her heart.

Sam took a breath, opened his mouth as if he was going to speak, and then closed it, looking at her just as helplessly. Lily then gave a nod, and walked out.


	4. A Place to Stay

The bus took her as far as it could but after that it was up to her to find her way. It was a couple miles to the Roadhouse which normally wouldn't have been a problem, but with a toddler it proved a difficult task. She felt uncomfortable with her decision to ask help from Ellen. She'd met the woman through Sam and Dean and she was _their _friend and contact. But Lily just hope that Ellen could spare a few days- so that Lily could figure out what to do…and get back to her right state of mind.

Suddenly a toy truck went tumbling to the concrete and Johnny began to cry. Sighing, Lily paused and balanced herself. Bag on shoulder, Johnny on hip, legs braced and lean…. She grabbed the toy and handed it back to the boy who stopped crying momentarily. She had to continue on, as much as her back did not want to do so. "There ya go, Johnny…" Lily sighed, wishing there were randomly stationed benches along the way. But she was not that lucky. "Daddy…" Johnny began to coo. Lily bit her lip, "He's not here…right now…" she kissed his forehead. "Mommy's here…"

After the stretch of road that seemed endless…it came into sight…the sign that seemed like a shining beacon of hope. The Harvelle Roadhouse was there. It was getting dark and there were a few cars parked outside- the early drinkers.

She pushed open the front door and stepped inside the smoky bar. "Lily!" Ellen greeted with a big grin as Lily approached the counter. "Hey girl, where's Sam?" she asked as she washed out a glass.

Lily looked down at the floor and then back at Ellen, "Uh…I…"

"Hey Ash, could you cover?" Ellen called and received a response from the man with the mullet but it was drowned out by the customers already in the bar. She motioned with her head to the flight of stairs tucked away in the corner. Lily nodded and followed the woman up the staircase.

"Here, let me take that," Ellen took the bag and set it aside. "Please…sit…" she motioned to a small couch. Lily sat and Johnny was placed on her lap.

"Now honey, did you come alone?" Ellen asked, sitting down next to her.

Lily nodded, "Yeah…" she said. Ellen obviously knew that Dean was dead but she'd never seen Lily without the boys unless it was for a short period of time.

Ellen read the girl's facial expressions with near dead-on accuracy, "You can stay here as long as you like," she said. Lily looked at her gratefully, "Thank-you…I didn't know what else to do…"

Ellen put her hand up, "It'll be nice having another girl around…ever since Jo took off to be on her own…." She gave a small smile at the mention of her daughter.

"Ellen…." Lily took a pause- feeling silly about her next question, "Don't let him know I'm here...please," she couldn't look Ellen in the eye for the question.

Ellen nodded. "Of course…" She then made a happy face at Johnny and kissed the boy's forehead. Then she kissed Lily's forehead, "Are you hungry?"

Lily shook her head, "No…but do you have anything I could give him?" she asked, motioning to Johnny.

"Yeah," Ellen said' a small smile returning. She held her arms out for the boy and Lily passed him off. "Get some rest, girl," Ellen said, "I'll bring him right back," she smiled in a very motherly fashion.

"Thank-you," Lily said sincerely. Ellen nodded and left the room with her son. Lily sunk back into the couch. One breath at a time…


	5. Reunited

"Why are we going to the Roadhouse? Wouldn't a simple phone call do?" Sam asked slightly annoyed, "We've got a lot of things on our plate…apocalypse things…"

"I know Sam," Dean responded gruffly, "But we owe her more than a phone call," Dean replied, his eyes were glued to the road. The dirt wound itself into serpentine patterns until the unlit Harvelle Roadhouse sign came into view. "What _do_ we owe Ellen?" Sam brought up the conversation from the grave. Sam was weighed down with the guilt of bringing about the end of the world, but besides that he hadn't wronged Ellen.

"I wasn't talking about Ellen," Dean replied as he cut the engine. He finally looked at his younger brother, and in that look Sam understood. He sat up in his seat. The brother's looked at each other in the eyes and they both could see into each other's souls.

"Dean…" he said, slowly shaking his head, "I can't…"

"Yes, Sam, yes you can," Dean gave no sympathy, "You have a son, you have a family and you need to get in there and be a man."

There was silence in the car that weighed down on the pair. Without another word Sam exited the car none too pleased. Dean sighed and figured he'd wait a few before he followed.

Sam had faced ghosts, demons, poltergeists, cannibals…all but the devil himself….but never had he been more terrified. When he pushed the worn wooden door inwards and entered; he took in the scene before him. Ellen was washing glasses behind the counter that joined the sounds of his son playing with a truck on the floor. Then the sounds clashed with the footsteps that announced the entrance of one small woman. The girl he abandoned in order to follow Ruby.

A feeling of regret, guilt, and passion hit him like a tidal wave that knocked the wind out of him momentarily.

"Ellen…have you seen…." Lily stopped in her tracks when there was an unexpected guest standing before her. It had been nearly a year…and there he was. She had pictured this moment almost every night since she'd walked out.

Ellen looked back and forth between them, slowly set the glass down and disappeared into the kitchen.

"Lily…" Sam breathed, and he looked at her and she looked at him. Even Johnny looked over and stayed quiet.

"Where's Dean?" Lily asked. She had to deal with Dean's death too…and she wanted to see him again… but she knew that Sam needed a piece of her time. He _was _there after all.

"In the car," Sam replied simply. Lily nodded. She felt the sting of tears hit her eyes, but she held them back.

Sam looked down to Johnny, "He's so big," he said. It looked like he wanted to smile, but guilt was pulling down at his lips, making it impossible.

Lily descended the final step and walked over to her son and picked him up. She was a small girl, it was getting harder to pick him up, but she was tough. "He misses you," Lily said, "He tells me," she said. "But since you left, he doesn't talk as much as he should," she added. Johnny's hand was extended and reaching for Sam. Slowly she stepped forward, and Sam did as well and she handed her son over.

The worn wooden door screeched open and their attentions turned to see Dean.

Lily gasped. She knew he was alive but…seeing him… "Dean…" she breathed as he gave her a small smile, "Hey, munchkin," he said, pausing, not sure exactly what to do. But suddenly Lily rushed forward and hugged Dean, letting a few tears go.


	6. Angels and Apologies

Lily took her son from Sam's arms quietly and passed him over to Dean, "Can you take him outside for a few?" she asked hopefully. She couldn't help but have a good feeling wash through her as she looked at the man she had lost to death those so many months ago. And the road past it had not been an easy one.

"Sure," Dean nodded. He held the boy awkwardly in his arms and turned, heading right back out the wooden door, "I bet your mom hasn't told you one thing about girls, has she?" she heard Dean started as he left.

Taking a deep breath she turned around to find Sam in the same spot where she had taken Johnny from him moments previous. "I've…." She began- truly addressing him, "I've thought about this moment…if it would happen, when and what I'd say first…" she said, unable to keep eye contact through her whole speech.

"I know, Lily, I know…and I'm sorry…" Sam began. He took a slight shuffle forward but Lily held her hand up. "No," she took a pause to gather her words again and began, "That's what I wanted…an apology…I wanted you to walk back through those doors with a big bouquet of flowers and a heart-felt apology. I wanted you to take me and your son into your arms…." She couldn't help but let a tear escape from her eye and wiped it away quickly, "But now that you're here…I know that was stupid of me…You Winchester boys aren't the average…

…and I knew that when I stayed with you. I was warned, I was told time and time again I should leave for my own safety and sanity- but _I _stayed. And then there's this…demon…that tells you she can help you save your brother…and I tell you to choose…_of course _it would be your brother…I created my own pain…my own rejection by telling you to chose me or your brother. And _I'm _sorry. I'm sorry it had to come to this…I'm sorry you missed so long of your son's growth…I'm sorry I didn't stay- to help you through Dean's death…I'm sorry I didn't help you save him. I'm-" but feeling her throat close up she stopped and looked down again, trying to regain composure.

Sam looked hurt, he looked surprised and he looked torn. "Lily…"

She shouldn't be the sorry one. The Winchesters really _weren't _the average… He took a few cautious steps towards her, "You were right," he said, "She couldn't help…"

Lily looked up and it seemed her pre-meditated response seemed to be lost to surprise, "Then…how…?"

Sam gave a chuckle. It wasn't as bright and comfortable as she remembered…but it was nice to hear, "Uh…an angel of the lord…" Sam replied. Lily looked at him and her surprise didn't seem odd to him. Finally, Lily broke into a sad, but true laugh. "Angels…that's a new one…"

"Yeah," Sam smiled fully, glad to see her laugh. And hear it again. But when the moment passed he closed most of the space between them, "But Lily…you shouldn't be sorry…." He opened his mouth and closed it again as if trying to figure out what to say next. But he didn't have to. The tiny girl just flew forward and into his chest, wrapping her arms around his torso. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. And it was in that moment he could tell the full extent…how _much_ he'd missed her.


	7. Damages

The car seat was put back into the Impala and the three and a half left the Roadhouse and hit the highway. Lily looked at Dean from the back seat, "Don't be so put out, Dean. Chicks love kids," she said, knowing he hated looking like a soccer mom.

But how many soccer moms do you know that drive a perfectly restored 1967 Chevy Impala? None? That's what Lily said.

"Yeah," he said grumpily, giving Johnny a glance in the rear view mirror. Though it was bad for his image- he loved that kid like crazy. And they all knew it. So Lily just laughed.

She felt like she was home. Sure, they didn't have one…the Impala was the closest thing. But as the saying goes: home is where the heart is. And her heart was definitely with the Winchester boys. And that included their new little addition.

"Where are we going?" Lily finally asked. It didn't really matter to her. As long as she was with them. She couldn't quite see his face but she knew Dean was smiling. And it was big, "Concrete, Washington," he replied.

"What's in Concrete?" Lily inquired, letting her song play with the hem of her sweater. Sam glanced back at her and then to Dean, "A ghost has been haunting a women's health center."

"The showers of a women's health center. C'mon Sammy, don't leave out the best part!" Dean replied, and Lily could tell the car was driving a little faster. Lily chuckled, "Well, Dean, you've earned this one." "Damn straight."

CONCRETE, WA.

Lily was getting her son ready for bed in the motel. They'd finally reached Concrete, but it was time to get her son to bed, even though he'd slept in the car. Sam was outside making a phone call, asking to meet with some girl named Candace to talk about her shower-incident. Dean was in the bathroom taking a shower.

"C'mon Johnny," she said, pulling his pajama shirt on. "We're going to get you to bed," she was talking to her son as she went. She turned around to grab his teddy bear out of his bag when she screamed bloody murder. Someone was standing behind her and it wasn't Sam or Dean. She screamed again, grabbing her son protectively. She then headed for the gun under Dean's pillow. Sam came running in the door and a moment later Dean had the door open (the shower was still running and he was holding a towel around his wet body.

But Lily was confused why neither of the boys were acting on the intruder that had someone entered their room without coming through the door.

Both Sam and Dean let out sighs of relief and the intruder looked at her curiously.

"Lily, it's okay," Sam said. After he took a moment to calm down- he laughed a little, "This is Castiel." Sam was still unsure of how he felt about the angels, but he knew they were good at least. "The angel."

Johnny had begun to cry in his mother's arms and she rocked him back and forth, looking at Castiel. "So this is Lily," Castiel looked at her curiously.

Dean had disappeared back into the bathroom, chuckling lightly. Lily took a moment to get her breathing at its normal pace, "Yeah. That's me," she said, rocking her son.

But Castiel turned around to face the bathroom door, "Dean I need to talk to you," he said at the closed door. Dean responded but Lily didn't catch it because Sam had gotten off the phone and approached her, "Sorry," He said, "We should have warned you," he finished, reaching out and touching his sons hair gently. Lily could sense guilt radiating from the man and she nodded, "It's fine," she shook her head, "I guess I should be more prepared…" she said, handing her son to Sam once he'd calmed down.

Sam held the boy close, "I'm meeting with Candace tomorrow. I'm a journalist this time," he said with a small smile. "I like it better when you're a rock star," Lily teased.

Sam gave a smile. And in that moment both of them could feel the guilt, the absence, the longing and everything else that had been damaged or missing for so long. Sam thought it appropriate to say, "I'm going to take the couch tonight."

Lily nodded. At the surface, that was probably a good idea. The damages were deep and it would take a lot to repair. But she shook her head, "Nonsense…Sam we have a son together and…" she paused but continued confidently, "And we love each other. A lot has happened and _a lot _needs to be worked out but why skirt around it?" she asked. Sam slowly nodded, agreeing on some level. She stepped forward and hugged him, their son halfway between them, "I've missed you." She whispered.

Sam nodded and kissed the top of her head. "You have no idea…" he responded just as longingly.


End file.
